A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
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[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
What my back needs
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I drew y’all a little something.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.