When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
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Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.