[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
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It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I’ve had worse
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Why does laundry happen to good people?
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece