GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
You Might Also Like
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken