Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
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MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
My dog after a walk in the woods.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
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The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.