i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
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“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
That earthquake could have been an email.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Ok but actually
Ion see the issue
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Not now. I’m deglazing.