Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
At least my masseuse has my back.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*