I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
You Might Also Like
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Money is the root of all wealth
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.