Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
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Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE