I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
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FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.