(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
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Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
me: my friends:
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
new year update: losing everything but weight
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will