Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
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I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I feel seen
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood