“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
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By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Bit chilly again tonight.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.