I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
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Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
The fall of Netflix
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it