me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
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I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.