Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
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People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.