My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
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Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.