I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
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everyone’s a critic
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My dryer is celebrating lint.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
SPLOOT
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I’m not proud
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.