Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
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Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
pat pat
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos