When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
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“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]