GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
You Might Also Like
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Me sliding into hell like
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.