a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
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Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Phones down.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
this is uni