Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
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Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower