Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
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It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.