CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
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The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
s
oc
i
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Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
So true for me
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes