“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
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i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.