Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
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I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery