“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
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Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.