Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
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Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.