Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
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someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*