Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
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The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I didn’t realize that was an option
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though