JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
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Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans: