Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
You Might Also Like
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?