Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
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WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.