[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
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*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”