[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
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*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this