Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
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Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.