We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
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“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.