When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
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Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs