I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
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If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I need this for my side hustle.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish