*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
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Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.