I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
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My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
All generalizations are stupid.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.