I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
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Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
The USS B port
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.