My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
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Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.