Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
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Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
never ask a starfish for directions
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.