[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
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I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
scrabbled eggs
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.