I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
You Might Also Like
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
My new favorite headline