Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
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If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.