Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
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Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.