LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
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cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about